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Richard Wilson, Special to MFN Press Service
So I am sitting here in my office, trudging through some tasks that had accumulated on me, cleaning up some old emails, looking at my upcoming schedule the next few months, when all of the sudden before my bewildering eyes, there appears an email informing me of my terrific good fortune, I am a millionaire, actually, a multimillionaire! Oh my, what a great thing I did, waking up, getting out of bed, and coming into work today. Of all days, Friday the 13th. MY RETIREMENT, an early one to boot!!!
It's finally happened ... Robert Bischoll, the Director of Foreign Operations for the Citibank of the United Kingdom has just contacted me via email confirming the transfer of Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars ($8,500,000.00), which by the way has already been processed and approved for release to me. I now only have to contact them to finalize the schedule for my payment slot and allotment. Now this has to be legit, right? I mean, for instance, much of my ancestry hails from the UK region. I've lived a fairly charitable life, donating to nearly every high school and junior high fundraiser and community cause in the area, so I guess I am just due.
But, I won't forget you all, my friends. In fact, in closing my office, I no longer have use for such things as post-it notes, paper clips, and these huge boxes of rubber bands of assorted sizes and colors. Any of you in need of these items, let me know and I will get them to you. Oh and I have binder clips from the wee tiny ones to the ones that are big enough to, say, attach a muffler tailpipe to the frame of a car. There's a bunch of other stuff too free for the taking like those plastic floor mats with the needle sharp thingamajigs that hold it in place. Bookshelves, lots of bookshelves, with books that look really attorney-like, so that when people see all those books and assume that you have read each one of them, you look really smart. Pens, I have pens; pens from nearly every hotel that I have stayed at and nearly every conference that I have ever attended as a lawyer. There are even pens that I inadvertently forgot to return when someone loaned them to me to sign something, but donít worry, I doubt that any of the pens that I have can be traced as stolen. I have some crappy artwork, but hey to each their own, itís free for the taking as well. And, I have these storage boxes that are all one piece, even the lid, theyíre all one piece, so you have like a flap cover. Actually I might keep those boxes because they're so fun to make, in fact a lot of them are empty -- I just like putting them together.
Thank you Mr. Bischoll. Somebody pinch me to make sure I am not dreaming! Now realistically, I figure $8.5 mil won't last forever, but when it runs out, I thought one of you all might be willing to hire me, or appoint me to some board, or something. Perhaps I could get some official parade marshal work in the area. A sign at the Moundsville city limits might be nice, I mean, I will buy it of course.
If anyone knows any good investment strategy right now, I would be happy to share the wealth. Please contact me with your social security number, date of birth, driverís license number, bank account routing number, account number, and your motherís maiden name. Also, too, just for security, could I get the name of your favorite pet and your high school? I have someone at a Nigerian bank to assist me with the deposit.
Richard Wilson is an attorney in Moundsville. His offices, Wilson Law Offices, are located at 515 Jefferson Avenue, and he can be reached at 304-843-2300 or at www.wilsonlawoffices.com.